@MomofTeen: My son's girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

@MomofTeen: Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I'm eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I'm a loser.

@MomofTeen: Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
"You're seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!"

@MomofTeen: Me: You're old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

@MomofTeen: I just saw The Big Sick and now I'm negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@MomofTeen: I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

@MomofTeen: Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

@MomofTeen: Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, "I can't wait to see what I got everyone!"

@MomofTeen: I have hidden my son's socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.