i would wish you the best but i am the best
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
umm…
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.