Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
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Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
when you order from DoorDastardly
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”