The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You Might Also Like
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Fixed this for Shakespeare
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.