*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car