Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Customer is always right
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.