[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Canadian owl: Eh?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.