In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.