Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.