My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?