Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mostly_Cheese's best tweets

@Mostly_Cheese : [trying something new] Me: I might mess this up. Friend: Believe in yourself. Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

@Mostly_Cheese: Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

@Mostly_Cheese: i'm tired of the phrase "too bad" so from now on I'm saying "that's cactuses" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses

@Mostly_Cheese: Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

@Mostly_Cheese: Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

@Mostly_Cheese: Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

@Mostly_Cheese: doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

@Mostly_Cheese: Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

@Mostly_Cheese: *gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

@Mostly_Cheese: *arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.