Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool