I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
nobody’s gonna understand
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.