King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
No, he would not have.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume