[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.