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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Bro what is this
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?