Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”