I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
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Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?