*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh