*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
shampoo implies shampee
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Note to self: I am a note
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem