An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.