Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.