Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees