All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’m having an out of money experience.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please