Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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spot the difference
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
shut up and take my money
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.