Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Stop sending me this shit.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
there’s probably a fee though
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very