For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
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For the baby who has everything
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names