BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.