Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
there has never been a better use of this meme
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.