@Mr_Kapowski: She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge
She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink
Women are so confusing
@Mr_Kapowski: Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.
@Mr_Kapowski: If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.
@Mr_Kapowski: INTERVIEWER: Why do you think you'd make a good waiter?
ME: Great memory, which would be an asset to this Chili's
@Mr_Kapowski: Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out
@Mr_Kapowski: Sorry I stole your 1 year old's birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn't get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*
Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-
Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Excuse me. Can you help me find a book?
Librarian: Of course. What are we looking for?
Me: One with a gun in it
Librarian: You’re going to have to be a little more specific
Me: One of those books where the pages are hollowed out to hide a gun inside