@Mr_Kapowski: Me: What do you think?
Wife: It’s a great looking cow.
Me: It’s supposed to be a horse.
Me: I love these places that let you draw on the tablecloth
Waiter: [clears throat] This isn’t one of those places.
@Mr_Kapowski: The reason why a grilled cheese and tomato soup go so well together is because it’s basically pizza split into two foods
@Mr_Kapowski: Me, 9 years old: *watches in horror as shark eats my father*
Me, now: *extension cord stretches from my house to beach, toaster in hand* “Revenge, papa”
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: You have to do what I say cause I'm your Dad
8 y/o daughter: You sure?
Don't know if she intended the ambiguity but that was savage
@Mr_Kapowski: Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
@Mr_Kapowski: Her: What do your tattoos mean?
Me: They're statement pieces. Statement being "I'm an idiot who shouldn't be in charge of my own body"