@Mr_Kapowski: [kid's party]
Me: Can we leave? These things take forever
Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents
@Mr_Kapowski: Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn't limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea
@Mr_Kapowski: It doesn't matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it's charging you
At that point, it's irrelephant
@Mr_Kapowski: Woman: $150 for mice removal?!
Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*
Woman: Get them out!
Me: $300 snake removal fee
*dumps box of mongooses*
@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral]
BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better
*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr
Friend: THEY'RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK
@Mr_Kapowski: [getting ready to go out]
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go