Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mr_Kapowski's best tweets

@Mr_Kapowski : *shaking wife awake* Me: Hey, just wanted to let you know, stop screaming, the heater is broken so that’s why I’m wearing this ski mask

@Mr_Kapowski: If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often

@Mr_Kapowski: Chicken broth is just a chicken’s dirty bathwater

@Mr_Kapowski: I woke up angry this morning

She doesn’t like when I call her that but I just call it like I see it

@Mr_Kapowski: My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn't take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me

@Mr_Kapowski: Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: You know, those little glow in the dark stars that kids put on their ceilings

Mortician: I am 100% sure we don’t offer those in coffins

@Mr_Kapowski: "Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?"

Dad: Dammit Zack, you're 32 and you're taller than me

Me: But I'm tired of standing

@Mr_Kapowski: [kid's party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@Mr_Kapowski: Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn't limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea