Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mr_Kapowski's best tweets

@Mr_Kapowski : BANANA LIFE CYCLE 1. I’m green and new to being a fruit 2. I’m yellow and scared to be at the supermarket 3. I’m brown as I’ve lost control of my bowels 4. BREAD

@Mr_Kapowski: She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge

She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink

Women are so confusing

@Mr_Kapowski: Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.

@Mr_Kapowski: If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.

@Mr_Kapowski: INTERVIEWER: Why do you think you'd make a good waiter?

ME: Great memory, which would be an asset to this Chili's

INTERVIEWER: Applebee's

@Mr_Kapowski: Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out

@Mr_Kapowski: Sorry I stole your 1 year old's birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn't get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*

Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-

Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Excuse me. Can you help me find a book?

Librarian: Of course. What are we looking for?

Me: One with a gun in it

Librarian: You’re going to have to be a little more specific

Me: One of those books where the pages are hollowed out to hide a gun inside

@Mr_Kapowski: Who called them police dispatchers and not coperators?