@Mr_Kapowski: Woman: $150 for mice removal?!
Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*
Woman: Get them out!
Me: $300 snake removal fee
*dumps box of mongooses*
@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral]
BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better
*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr
Friend: THEY'RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK
@Mr_Kapowski: [getting ready to go out]
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: "I injured myself at the gym"
Buddy: "Too much weight?"
Me: "I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill"
@Mr_Kapowski: I have the body of a much older man
The morgue still doesn't know he's missing
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt