Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: (talking to anyone)
Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!
@Mr_Kapowski: Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Time for bed
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH'S TECTONIC PLATES WON'T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!
@Mr_Kapowski: Why does the airport entice me and call it a baggage carousel if I'm not allowed to ride on it?
@Mr_Kapowski: [gently brushes your hair out of your face]
"You're gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut," I whisper
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: I got our daughter a surprise for her birthday but don't let the cat out of the bag
Me: YOU GOT HER A CAT?
Kid: *upstairs* YAAAYYYY!
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?
What my wife said: If you want to
What I heard: If you want to live