Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mr_Kapowski's best tweets

@Mr_Kapowski : "Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?" Dad: Dammit Zack, you're 32 and you're taller than me Me: But I'm tired of standing

@Mr_Kapowski: [kid's party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@Mr_Kapowski: Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn't limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

@Mr_Kapowski: It doesn't matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it's charging you

At that point, it's irrelephant

@Mr_Kapowski: Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*

@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr

Friend: THEY'RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK

@Mr_Kapowski: [garage sale]

Me: Yes, I will take one garage please

@Mr_Kapowski: "The first mechanic lied to you"

- Every 2nd opinion mechanic

@Mr_Kapowski: [getting ready to go out]

Wife: I have nothing to wear!

Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go