Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mr_Kapowski's best tweets

@Mr_Kapowski : It doesn't matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it's charging you At that point, it's irrelephant

@Mr_Kapowski: Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*

@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr

Friend: THEY'RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK

@Mr_Kapowski: [garage sale]

Me: Yes, I will take one garage please

@Mr_Kapowski: "The first mechanic lied to you"

- Every 2nd opinion mechanic

@Mr_Kapowski: [getting ready to go out]

Wife: I have nothing to wear!

Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: "I injured myself at the gym"

Buddy: "Too much weight?"

Me: "I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill"

@Mr_Kapowski: I have the body of a much older man

The morgue still doesn't know he's missing

@Mr_Kapowski: [kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt