Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mr_Kapowski's best tweets

@Mr_Kapowski : 10 year old daughter: I CAN’T FIND MY FREAKING BOOK Me: Excuse me, would you like to rephrase that? 10 year old daughter: I can’t find my fu- Me: Just go look again

@Mr_Kapowski: I’d assume that the best part of working in Alaska is that after your commute into work, you get to bring your 9 Huskies into the office with you

@Mr_Kapowski: A parent’s worry about their child having too much screentime is outweighed by the fact that 3 hours of silence is 3 hours of silence.

@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Flowers? You’re too good to me, baby

Me: Nothin but the best for you, dollface

Wife: Oh and there’s a card inside

Me: There is?

Wife: *reads aloud* Sorry for your loss. Aunt Bea will be missed

Me:

Wife: DID YOU STEAL THESE FROM A CEMETERY?!

@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Who wrote “WHERE ARE THE BANDAIDS” in blood on the bathroom mirror?

Me: *duct tape around my index finger* Sounds like we have a poltergeist. By the way, where are the bandaids in case it comes back?

@Mr_Kapowski: HR: It’s been brought to my attention-

Me: *snaps sticky hand and grabs my write up off their desk*

HR: That. Exactly that

@Mr_Kapowski: GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@Mr_Kapowski: I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

@Mr_Kapowski: Hell hath no fury like a woman whose coupon wasn’t accepted at the store

@Mr_Kapowski: [farmers market]

Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?

Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?

Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so

Me: *leans in close* If I find out-

Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me