@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: How was your day?
Me: *kicks ball, ball rolls and tips water bottle into glass, weight of full glass releases ziplining GI Joe to push marble, marble rolls off weight tying balloon down to unveil banner reading “I ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING TODAY”*
@Mr_Kapowski: *begins massaging shampoo into her hair*
*purposely gives her a wet willy*
Her: Hey! I’m gonna get you fired from this salon!
Me: *whispers in her ear* Good luck. I don’t work here
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: EASTER, EASTER, EASTER
Wife: *trying to level a picture frame* I'm gonna murder you if you don't start saying left or right
@Mr_Kapowski: This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth
Cool. You don't need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.
@Mr_Kapowski: [1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: *from inside the closet* “Should I wear my mink coat?”
Me: *adjusting cuff links and cummerbund in the mirror*
“Jesus Christ, honey. We’re going to Target, not Walmart. Of course wear the mink”
@Mr_Kapowski: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?
Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed
@Mr_Kapowski: Lawyer: Zack’s will has allocated money for two headstones
*my wife dabs the corners of her eyes with a tissue*
Lawyer: The first one shall just read HEADSTONE. The second will be placed 6 feet away and read FEETSTONE