@Mr_Kapowski: I’d assume that the best part of working in Alaska is that after your commute into work, you get to bring your 9 Huskies into the office with you
@Mr_Kapowski: A parent’s worry about their child having too much screentime is outweighed by the fact that 3 hours of silence is 3 hours of silence.
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Flowers? You’re too good to me, baby
Me: Nothin but the best for you, dollface
Wife: Oh and there’s a card inside
Me: There is?
Wife: *reads aloud* Sorry for your loss. Aunt Bea will be missed
Wife: DID YOU STEAL THESE FROM A CEMETERY?!
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Who wrote “WHERE ARE THE BANDAIDS” in blood on the bathroom mirror?
Me: *duct tape around my index finger* Sounds like we have a poltergeist. By the way, where are the bandaids in case it comes back?
@Mr_Kapowski: HR: It’s been brought to my attention-
Me: *snaps sticky hand and grabs my write up off their desk*
HR: That. Exactly that
@Mr_Kapowski: GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
@Mr_Kapowski: I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar
@Mr_Kapowski: [farmers market]
Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?
Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?
Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so
Me: *leans in close* If I find out-
Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me