Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mr_Kapowski's best tweets

@Mr_Kapowski : *hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs* Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: What do you think?
Wife: It’s a great looking cow.
Me: It’s supposed to be a horse.
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: I love these places that let you draw on the tablecloth
Waiter: [clears throat] This isn’t one of those places.

@Mr_Kapowski: The reason why a grilled cheese and tomato soup go so well together is because it’s basically pizza split into two foods

@Mr_Kapowski: Me, 9 years old: *watches in horror as shark eats my father*

Me, now: *extension cord stretches from my house to beach, toaster in hand* “Revenge, papa”

@Mr_Kapowski: *breaks a sweat*

Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: You have to do what I say cause I'm your Dad

8 y/o daughter: You sure?

Don't know if she intended the ambiguity but that was savage

@Mr_Kapowski: Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal

@Mr_Kapowski: Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They're statement pieces. Statement being "I'm an idiot who shouldn't be in charge of my own body"

@Mr_Kapowski: Current poverty level: Rinsing out Ziplocs to use again

@Mr_Kapowski: Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?

Me: Junetober Eleventeenth