Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Mr_Kapowski's best tweets

@Mr_Kapowski : I have the body of a much older man The morgue still doesn't know he's missing

@Mr_Kapowski: [kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!

@Mr_Kapowski: Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH'S TECTONIC PLATES WON'T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

@Mr_Kapowski: Why does the airport entice me and call it a baggage carousel if I'm not allowed to ride on it?

@Mr_Kapowski: If you're ambushed at night, technically you got pmbushed

@Mr_Kapowski: [gently brushes your hair out of your face]

"You're gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut," I whisper

@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: I got our daughter a surprise for her birthday but don't let the cat out of the bag

Me: YOU GOT HER A CAT?

Kid: *upstairs* YAAAYYYY!

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live