Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
@funTweeters
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.