INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
hey, alexa
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The Sun
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs