Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out