do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
See..?
.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
It’s the weekend y’all
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.