Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Support your local cemetery
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My loaf of bread looks terrified
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Thanks to a fan for this one.