My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
This could be us… but you playing
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food