Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep