7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
These are my roll models.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.