I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.