i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”