People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Social distancing in Australia:
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”