Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
True freaking story!
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.