ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer