Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
That lamp looks PISSED.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”