Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets