Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
You Might Also Like
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.