Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
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Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Yoga Matt
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.