I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.