*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.