Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My kitchen overserved me.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is