Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?